Dark lofts, cobwebs and creepy critters are all part and parcel of being an energy assessor. But every now and again you’ll make some shocking discoveries. Here are our favourites!

1. The ex and the loft 

A few years ago I did an EPC, all went smoothly until I had to check the loft.

I opened loft hatch and there was no light up there so I shone my torch round and nearly fell off the ladder. Just behind the opened hatch was a full size mannequin, dressed in a full policeman’s uniform but with a ‘Scream’ mask on!

The homeowner was killing herself laughing at the bottom of the ladder. She had decided not to tell me ‘to see if I spotted it’!

Apparently her ex was a policeman and had left some stuff behind, and she thought ’it would be a shame to waste it’.

2. An interesting taste in art 

I once went to an apartment where all the art on the walls depicted two women – shall we say ‘with one leg north and the other leg south’. Needless to say it was quite distracting and made for awkward conversation. I didn’t much care for their taste in art…

3. Nearly eaten alive

I came across this monster during an assessment. The photo doesn’t do it justice – it was huge!

4. Stomach turning discoveries 

I have been to places that were so dirty I feared that as yet undiscovered diseases were lurking – especially in the bathrooms!

I went to a house in Kettering where there were turds all over the bedroom floor – no idea whether they were human or pets, although no sign of any animals. Yuck.

5. Just hangin’ out

I was conducting an EPC for this guy and I went into the loft. When I went up the ladder and shone the torch round I got the fright of my life. There, swinging in front of me, was a skeleton hanging from the rafters! It was fake, obviously, but I nearly jumped out my skin. When I went down the ladder the bloke had a knowing smile on his face.

6. A class act

I have spoken to an assessor on the Help Desk who discovered a cannabis-growing enterprise when making a visit. Brings a whole new meaning to evidence capture…